THE CHRISTMAS STARR

But the Starr,
Who lived outside of Pol-town
Did NOT!

The Starr hated blowjobs ...the blowjob mentality
Now, please don't ask why he despised sensuality.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his balls were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been his kon-tiki was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His raft or his balls,
He stood there one winter night, hating the Pols,
Staring down from his cave, a forced smile would swell
That made even Steve Forbes seem normal as hell.
For he knew every Pol with spin doctors a-tweaking
Was busy now, getting a mattress a-squeaking.

"And they're getting their rocks off" he snarled in his way.
"With a force and a lust that would shame JFK!"
Then he growled, with his Starr fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Clinton from coming!"

For,
This time, he knew...

..All the Pol intern lasses
Would wake bright and early and scrub down their asses
And then! Oh, the lasses from Clinton got passes
That's one thing he hated! When Clinton got lasses

Then the interns, they all would kneel down for a suck.
And they'd suck! And they'd suck!
And they'd Suck!
Suck!
Suck!
Suck!
They would suck on Pol-schwantzes, and never say "Yuck"
Which was something the Starr thought was not worth a fuck!

And THEN
They'd do something
That made him most bitter
The rube in the White House, his stick all a-twitter
His thighs all a flexing, his intern still humming.
Would shout out his pleasure and finally start coming

He'd come! And he'd come!
AND he'd COME! COME! COME! COME!
And the more the Starr thought of this dress-staining Pol
The more the Starr thought, "I must now end it all!"
"Why for five long, long years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop this bohunk from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE STARR
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Starr danced up a jig.
And he made a quick big woman's blouse and a wig.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "I'm a great Starry pip!"
"With this coat and this wig, I could be Linda Tripp"

"All I need is a wiretap..."
The Starr looked around.
But, since wiretaps aren't legal, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Starr...?
No! The Starr simply said,
"If I don't have a reason, I'll fake one instead!"
So he called Janet Reno and said with some urgency
"I can't get a judge, and this is an emergency."

THEN
He pulled out some tricks
From his ancient wazoo
And he tricked that ol' Clinton
and Monica, too.

Then the Starr said, "Yippee!"
And galloped on down
Toward the Hill where the Pols
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their speeches were quiet. They were all getting blown.
In the stage where they all were just starting to moan
And tell all their staffers to forward the phone.
"This is stop number one," the old Starr subtly hissed
And he climbed up the stairs, his report in his fist.

Then he gave his report. It was lurid by far.
But, if the Enquirer could do it, then so could the Starr.
Then he slithered and slunk, in the eyes of the nation
Around the whole town with his bald accusation
And the Starr had the liberty bell firm in his fist
When he heard a small sound and a hand grasped his wrist.
He turned around fast, and he saw a House member
Though the zipper closed fast in the cold of December.

The Starr was then asked by this House representative
Who'd got up the courage in a voice oh so tentative.
He stared at the Starr and said, "If Clinton can't lie
and get lots of blow jobs ... why, then neither can I!"

But, you know, that old Starr was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my innocent friend," the Starr ably pandered
"The Prez must adhere to a much higher standard".
And this fib fooled the Rep. Then Starr patted his head
And he got him an intern and sent him to bed.
He tucked in that member, and shut off the lights
And then Starr went and stole the whole Bill of Rights

"Pooh-Pooh to the Prez!" he was Starr-ish-ly humming.
"He's finding out now no more blowjobs are coming!
"He's just waking up! I know just what he'll do!
"His mouth will hang open a minute or two
"Then the Clown in the White House will cry OH-BOO-HOO!

He stared down at the city!
The Starr popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Pol down in Pol-town, no matter their name,
Was getting blown, just as ever! It all was the same!

He HADN'T even stopped Clinton from coming!
HE CAME!
Somehow or other, he came just the same!

And the Starr, with his Starr-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood there puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Starr thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Blowjobs," he thought, "don't just come from a whore."
"Maybe Blowjobs... perhaps... mean a little bit more!"
"And the act that I thought was a sex celebration!"
"Was in fact in the heart and the soul of our nation"

And what happened then...?
Well... in Pol-town they say
That the Starr's tiny dick
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
He shot his whole load through the bright morning light
And he dropped his objections and his legal artillary!
And he...