|Important notes for women. This will be the only time any man ever tells you the truth about these things. If you ask me about them, I will lie and say I'm kidding, but I'm not. This is your one chance to hear the truth.
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask. We will lie.
Toilet seats require no advanced degree. When it is down, we put it up, When it is up, you can put it down.
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you, although we will lie about that, too.
Get rid of your cat. We don't really like it.
Sunday was not named after the Sun. Sun is an old Aztec word for "sports". Sunday is sports day. Get used to it
Anything you wear is fine. We can't tell the fucking difference, so don't ask.
Crying is blackmail.
In the entire history of the human race, no sober heterosexual man has ever liked to dance. Never. We do it to get laid. We also lie and tell you we like it in order to get laid. We do many things to get laid.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Of course we are looking at that other woman. If this bugs you, you can alleviate this problem by dating a gay guy.
Yes, Laetitia Casta (or whomever you are asking about) is prettier than you. A LOT prettier. She makes you look like a cross between John Turturro and Pee Wee Herman.
Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done... not both.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.