12. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men. But Kirk was also a client.

11. Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety.

10. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge.

• Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one.
• Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship.

9. How they would react to Deanna's mother?

• Picard: embarrassed tolerance.
• Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn's mind for a while.

8. How they spend their captain's salary.

• Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact.
• Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.

7. Favorite character in 20th century Earth history.

• Picard: Neville Chamberlain
• Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain

6. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions.

• Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
• Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.

5. How would they relate to Counselor Troi's mind-reading?

• Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
• Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what's coming.

4. How do they use the holodeck?

• Picard: Wimpy 1930's detective fantasies.
• Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.

3. How deal with primitive new civilizations.

• Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
• Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.

2. How they would react to Wesley.

• Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
• Kirk: Use kid to get into mom's drawers.