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The top proofs that Kirk is more manly than Picard

13. Picard's female officers think the captain's "log" is some kind of wimpy electronic journal.

12. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men. But Kirk was also a client.

11. Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety.

10. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge.

  • Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one.
  • Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship.

9. How they would react to Deanna's mother?

  • Picard: embarrassed tolerance.
  • Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn's mind for a while.

8. How they spend their captain's salary.

  • Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact.
  • Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.

7. Favorite character in 20th century Earth history.

  • Picard: Neville Chamberlain
  • Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain

6. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions.

  • Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
  • Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.

5. How would they relate to Counselor Troi's mind-reading?

  • Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
  • Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what's coming.

4. How do they use the holodeck?

  • Picard: Wimpy 1930's detective fantasies.
  • Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.

3. How deal with primitive new civilizations.

  • Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
  • Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.

2. How they would react to Wesley.

  • Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
  • Kirk: Use kid to get into mom's drawers.

1. One Spanish word: cojones

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